The 'banana' appeal

"Khun Kriengsak, the fact that I spent 15 years studying and working in America, has that got anything to do with it?"

"I think so. There is a term coined by Jane Hyun in her book Breaking the Bamboo Ceiling _ 'Bananas' for Asians who grew up in the US."

"Ah-ha, yellow skin and white thinking," Khun Dej chuckles.

He continues: "But I try to communicate well. You know, I use lots of body language and vary my tone of voice. I remember you quoted some research by Professor Albert Mehrabian who said that body language represents 55% of communication, tone of voice 38% and words only 7%."

"You have to be careful, Khun Dej. That statistic has been misinterpreted. The figures are from the initial very specific conditions in his experiments. Anyway, this figure may not really applicable with all Thai people."

"Why's that?"

"First of all, Thais are raised to be sum-ruam, or restrained," I say.

"We have been taught to control our emotions or feelings by keeping them inside. It's impolite to show that you are too happy, frustrated or angry in front of another person."

Khun Dej argues, "But for me, showing true feelings is authenticity. When I'm so passionate, I don't keep it inside. I show it all."

"Khun Dej, people look at you as a Thai while you show Western manners. So for them, you are a bit of a fake Thai person."

"People get me wrong then," he exclaims with frustration in his body language.

"See, your body language. This is perceived as mai sum ruam or not self-controlled."

"What should I do?" Khun Dej asks.

"You have to be more self-aware when dealing with Thais in the future, particularly when you have to deal with your Thai customers. They don't know your background. They look at you as a 'normal' Thai.

"If I were you, I would tell my team about this fact. I would go further to apologise to them if I might have annoyed them in the past."

"But it was not my intention, Khun Kriengsak. Why do I need to apologise?"

"Khun Dej, it's not a must but it's a nice thing to do. For Thais, when a poo-yai or a senior person like you apologises to junior, you even gain more respect and trust from them. You show hai-kiat or give respect to them."

"Okay, Khun Kriengsak, tell me more about other communication tips."

"I bought a DVD from the Discovery Channel: Before We Ruled the Earth. It cites the scientific evidence that human beings have been on this earth for 1.7 million years. Nevertheless, we began speaking only 15,000 years ago. This is not long compared to our evolution. The implication is that we cannot speak all of what we think."

"Really?" he acknowledges with surprise.

"Khun Dej, you just moved into a new apartment. Please tell me about it."

"It's located on North Sathon Road. There are three bedrooms. I have a nice balcony. It's nice. My family loves it."

"What percentage of information did you just tell me about your apartment?"

"Less than 10%"

"When you were asked, you thought about your apartment as a picture in your mind. Then, you described it in words to me. My guesstimate is that we probably speak about 25% of what we were thinking. Then, the listener will add another 75% of his own assumptions.

"If we don't have the same assumptions, then we are misunderstanding. Assumptions come from our values, beliefs, culture, education, religion and family backgrounds."

"Khun Kriengsak, I get it. So, I need to learn how to be more Thai then."

"Besides that, you need to avoid jumping to conclusions in the assumptions. Usually, asking a question to clarify is helpful. Otherwise, we are all jumping to conclusions and leading to the wrong assumptions."

"I notice that you always ask a clarification question. However, encouraging Thai to ask is quite a challenge."

"Khun Kriengsak, what are tips to encourage Thais to ask?"

"First, share with them what we discussed today. Let them realise that we cannot speak 100% of what we think. Then share this assumption theory.

"Second, I always tell people, 'I am not a perfect speaker. I might speak too fast or be unclear, so asking questions helps me to communicate better.'

Asking a question is not a sign of stupidity at all _ in fact, it's an act of nam jai, or a kind heart.

"Third, I try to check for comprehension by asking them a question. But I do not ask simply: 'Do you understand?'

"I ask a content question instead.

For example, if I want to check your understanding about today's discussion, I will ask: 'How much can we speak our mind?' Or, 'What could cause communication problems?"'

Kriengsak Niratpattanasai provides executive coaching in leadership and diversity management under the brand TheCoach. He can be reached at coachkriengsak@yahoo.com. Copies of previous columns are available at www.thaicoach.com.